HOW YOU PLAY IT

Video games are a way to take you out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary, aren’t they?

They’re a method of escapism to try and inject some colour into an otherwise drab and dreary existence. I don’t have time to play such games now, but when I was younger I used to love video games. I would sit there, mindless, wide-eyed, and static, for hours on end. Shoot this guy, collect that thing, jump here for a secret area. Off on an adventure without ever leaving the comfort of your room. But although I don’t have time to play these games any more, it’s funny how life imitates art.

In an adventure game, there are a few obvious ways you can approach it.

You can be stealthy. You can tank it. You can be smart and use the best of both. Getting that balance truly is an art form.

In life, I tried the stealthy way. I remained cloaked in shadow, taking away Gameboy’s sanity bit by bit, hitting him when he least expected it, causing mayhem with his Shadowforce buddies. But the thing is, as fun as that was – and BOY did I have fun – I wasn’t progressing. The next checkpoint never came. You could say I was stuck on a level.

So I tried tanking it. A full force reveal, followed by a big power display in clear sight of everyone. This way takes some balls, but it’s a high risk, high reward scenario, and although I was barrelling towards the checkpoint faster than before, I found that this approach threw up many more obstacles, including a bonus stage where the antagonist and protagonist trade places and Gameboy becomes the one with all the power.

And that is where we are now. That is why I have to ponder my next steps carefully. Stealth is out of the question. You know it was me now, you know why I did it. There is little point in trying to hide. And tanking it clearly leaves me open to a counter, so I have to find the middle ground. I have to use the level mechanics against you. We’re at the point of no return and YOU are the boss that stands in between me and winning the game we call LIFE.

You might think that you’ve outdone me by hacking me just like I hacked you, but be warned, hero: I am always two steps ahead. There is nothing worse than a villain scorned, and I am ANGRY. You may have won the battle, but the war is still mine. As I said earlier – video games take you out of the ordinary humdrum life and put you into the extraordinary. But I am already extraordinary, Gameboy.

It’s not about the game, but how you play it.

And I’m about to load a romhack to end all romhacks.

Game over.