THE TALE OF TWO MAYORS

I once ran for office in a small, rural parish council back in England, where I became particularly aware of the upcoming elections for the local Mayor. Unlike the battle to represent a town as a member of parliament, the role of Mayor is far removed from this.

As an MP, it is your job to fight for the best for your constituents. To listen to them, understand their needs and carry out what is best for the majority. A role I’ve been honoured to have my whole career.

The Mayor is different. The Mayor is for all intents and purposes the clown at a kids birthday party. There for a bit of entertainment but everyone is waiting for the presents and the cake. The Mayor is the support act at your favourite band’s concert – you’ll listen because you’ve already paid for the ticket but you’ll be checking twitter at the same time.

The Mayor is primarily a civic role, designed to make the post holder feel special by doing important things like cutting ribbons and walking around school fetes, but with no real power. But in this parish, the two candidates poured their heart and soul into winning. Eventually a winner was crowned – it doesn’t really matter which one, but the winner was beside himself.

The winner became the Mayor and the loser took office as deputy, but soon the town turned against them, because although their roles had no power, they had become drunk on it, eager to belittle each other and make the other look weak. Two powerless fools who thought that they mattered in the grand scheme of things, their foolishness on display for the whole town to see.

So the town campaigned to oust them from their positions, and I campaigned with the town, and on the strength of that campaign won my first seat.

Those two foolish mayors remind me of my two opponents this week, Junkrat and Marvolo, so caught up in the inane slapstick of their combined lives they forget that we live in the real world with real consequences, and so do not see the parallels in these two stories. They both believe their respective peoples love them, but they will soon see, when their world comes crashing down, that their people have already cast their vote.

The ballot is marked Whitlock, for once again I must campaign with the public to oust these two fools from office. Except this time I get to use brute force and violence. And then, once the pair of them are out of the picture, I can continue my path to the new seat I’m looking at. Imperium at the top, looking down on all of those who don’t want to change the world.

Help me force these fraudulent mayors from this company. Vote for a brighter future with intelligent and understanding leaders taking this country to the places it should be already at. Vote Whitlock.

And remember: Imperium is the only way.