THE IMMORTALITY IMMOLATION

When I was a snivelling brat of eight, I enjoyed hearing stories of heroes. A man of human stature defeating monsters two or three times his size? It was enough to make you gasp in awe!

Of these tales, those of Camelot were some of my favourites. The brave Knights of the round table led by noble King Arthur Pendragon, ridding the realm of evils and saving his beloved peasants. I wished I was him. I dreamed of a land filled with wizards and dragons and swore that one day I would be a hero like King Arthur.

And so, I was. I became a hero. But after a while I came to the realisation that heroes are just actors and their heroic deeds just plays in which they act out their fantasies. Heroes, despite pretending otherwise, have no care for their citizens if it fits the narrative they wish to craft for their legacy. Their entire life is saving people from things they don’t need saving from, to maintain a status quo that benefits nobody.

King Arthur was thought to have died at the Battle of Camlann, killed at the hand of his son Mordred. It has been believed as such for many thousands of years, and yet suddenly here he is. Despicably “heroic” as ever, playing to the crowd.

As disgusted as I am by his unwillingness to perish, I am also intrigued by how he achieved it. Imagine if I had all the time in the universe to run it as I wished, to make everyone see the world could be so much better.

But I cannot yet make myself immortal, although my research continues.

Where I have failed, the Templar have succeeded, with Arthur becoming their immortal Lich King. I would love to dispose of him more permanently so that our meetings do not span the rest of time and space, but that is not possible.

Other options must be considered.

I considered decapitation, but Never Dead Dan’s head currently resides in the only available HeadPod known to exist. Besides I don’t want to copy someone else’s handiwork.

And then it hit me.

I’m a sucker for irony, so I got to work.

CRASH!

I worked with the heavy-duty metal I needed.

CLANG!

I bent it into shape with my tools.

SHAZAM!

Here it is, just what I need to counter Arthur’s super power of immortality…

…A ROCKET.

The irony is this my friends: Arthur did not die at the hand of his son, as the legends have told for centuries, no. But instead his fate will by dealt at the hand of THE SUN.

If I cannot kill him then I must put him somewhere he cannot escape from – and what better place to leave him than a place with such strong gravity as the Sun!?

His weathered shell of a physique won’t stand a chance of escape, and he will remain in eternal limbo and in eternal pain as his immortal body refuses to let him die. The perfect end for the hero I’ve always wished was better than the reality.